Where others have gone before

After trying for a baby for almost two years, our effort became a lot less romantic and a lot more scientific over time. Fertility checks were done, ovulation kits used, assisted treatment and even adoption options explored. Then one day, after six and a half years of a dual income no kids life, we conceived - naturally. Hence: Finally, mama.

All in God's timing! Trust His heart.

Here are snapshots of my journey in raising a family while releasing it all to God through each season of work and life. I started this journal when I was pregnant with #1 aka B (born November 2011) and working full time. These days, I'm a work at home mom as hubby is frequently away for work. I split my time between caring for B and my parents, managing the home and developing The Whiz Times (launched October 2012). Oh, and we're still trying for #2 after an early miscarriage.

Along the way, I've been encouraged by those who have gone before me or are journeying together, and hope that I can in turn support others with this blog.

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World peace begins at home

What does it mean to live a peaceful life? IMHO, the key is to work towards peaceful relationships in your home - with your spouse, kid(s) and if you have any, your domestic helper. But how to do this when we're struggling with being at peace in our own lives? As parents, we're often busy, stressed, sleep-deprived, sick whenever the kids get sick, and lacking any personal time or space. Here are some thoughts:

With your spouse: Sometimes, a little time out gives much needed perspective when emotions are frayed. There are days when I still struggle with giving up a traditional corporate career and the (seemingly lack of) ROI on all my years of education - resulting in a rather bitter attitude towards my constantly away hardworking hubby. I've been trying to reflect and approach situations with a more peaceful and rested heart. Also, as parents, we should TRY not to let our issues (anger, disappointment, concern, etc.) with each other surface too frequently in front of the kids. The very young ones can pick up on the emotion but may not understand the context or even think it is about them, i.e. something they did wrong. For me - someone who often wears her heart on her sleeve - this is hard. Just as we teach our kids to use their "indoor voice", I too need to remember that being peaceful means to talk and not shout, to smile and not frown.

With kids: Give our kids the foundation to develop and learn to be a child of God - peaceful, cheerful and contented. As B adjusts to nursery drop off and soon, taking his mid-day nap there as well, we're trying to re-establish a routine that provides comfort yet fosters independent growth. Kids thrive in a secure environment with familiar surroundings, playmates and caregivers, regular healthy meals, designated quiet times with spaces to play/read on their own, unique yet diverse experiences AND perhaps most importantly, adequate sleep - ideally by 9p. I've ALWAYS been asked about B's early bedtime, as in "why can't he come out, stay later, wake up later instead" To me, sleep is sacred. When kids sleep well, we all sleep well, so why change what ain't broke?

With the helper: Let's face it. We are lucky, spoilt even, in Asia to have foreign domestic workers who assist us in chores and if you need, babysitters and nannies at a reasonable rate, be it part time or live in. Yet too often I find employers who do not treat their helper in a way that leads to a peaceful living and working relationship, while they maintain high expectations on their deliverables and attitude. B asked me once: "mama, daddy, ama, kong kong is family. What about aunty (our helper's name)?" I told him "We live together in this house, we should treat her like family too." I wonder if he understood that, but he does now include her in his prayer requests at night and asks where she is when we go out on our own or on her days off.

The more centered we are on Christ and not self, the more we'll be at peace with others and ourselves.

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I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart

I'm trying to be more intentional about faith with B this year as he's developing his own childlike understanding from observing people and situations. At our nightly prayers before bed, he started making his own requests (e.g. "pray for dada working, tired," "Jesus loves ama and kong kong"). So I decided to reinforce the lessons around fruits of the spirit from Sunbeam, our church's kids programme, with simple activities and practical applications at home.

Here's what we learnt and applied:

1. Joyful parenting doesn't come naturally. It's not a product of the flesh but the spirit at work, bearing fruit in us. We need to cultivate thankfulness, remember that our child's identity is in Christ, and look ahead with hope and faith for the fruit God promises to bring through our efforts.
2. A joyful heart is about attitude, a contagious attitude from having a positive outlook in life. We talked about being joyful and strong even when we're afraid and upset. I encouraged him to use words, laugh or sing instead of crying and screaming... and it's been working! In fact, he's been a trooper during his separation at school and this recent bout of coughing; and he's also cheered my ailing mom who was hospitalised earlier this month with his singing, dancing and funny antics.
3. To be joyful is to be thankful. I'm glad that B's gotten into a habit of saying "thank you" or "谢谢" (if you're lucky). At one point, he'd even say "thank you" when giving you things ;) At nights, when we pray together, we also first thank God for each other and the day's events - no matter how challenging the day has been, e.g. we've been sick, tired, angry. I'm still working on teaching him to say family grace before meals to reinforce gratefulness and obedience to God, although this one's tougher as our family is of mixed beliefs and/or rarely eating together.

Since I'm on a quest to improve both our Chinese lately, I'll end with these Chinese characters: When you're happy (开心 kai xin), your heart is open but when you're sad (伤心 shang xin), your heart is wounded. I'm glad that our son is learning how to turn to God and rejoice in the midst of his terrible two years; and that he is also opening the hearts of those around him.

Nehemiah 8:10 “The joy of the Lord makes me strong!”

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How deep and how wide is your love?

Besides his own name, another word B likes to spontaneously spell is "L-O-V-E ... Love!" So I figured Valentines Day was a good reason to look at LOVE as we apply fruits of the spirit at home. Here's B's "Thumbody loves you" V-day craft to kick off the theme :)

1) Say and show it often. We always wish each other "晚安,我爱你,明天见" ("Good night, I love you, see you tomorrow") every night. When dad is away for long, we record him a video that usually ends with a flying kiss! Although I wasn't raised like this with my typical Asian parents, I don't hesitate kissing, hugging and praising B and find that he soaks it up like a sponge. Rather than being spoiled (as some of the older generation may caution), I find that he becomes more assured and affectionate in return, which has helped during his frequent separation anxiety phases. In the book "The Five Love Languages of Children" the authors encourage parents to keep your child's emotional tank full, use all five languages (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service), and pay attention to their behaviour as it often tells you which one speaks the loudest to them. Usually these preferences emerge around 3-4 years on.

2) Love obeys and forgives. We shouldn't continue doing wrong things and we shouldn't stay angry with others. Whenever B acts up, I make it a point to look him in the eye and state "Stop. That hurt mama/your friend, made us feel angry/sad". I'll then ask him "Was that wrong or right?" When he sees that this is serious and acknowledges "B is wrong. I am sorry," I'll say "It's OK. But don't do it again!" Of course, sometimes he gets rather cheeky and says "B is wrong, right?" What you say or do must match what's in your heart. The Chinese character for forgiveness - 恕 (shu) incorporates a heart below a woman and a mouth. When we forgive others with words from our heart, we learn to put others before ourselves, practicing love and "human-heartedness."

3) Love is selfless. Kids learn by imitation so take every opportunity to demonstrate selflessness. Evidently, tots do a lot of proto-sharing - i.e. they may be willing to show what they hold to others but won't quite let go (sound familiar?). It's a big step, so reinforce and reward the act. When B's friends come by, it's also quite common to see ALL the boys want the exact same double decker bus (or train) that one of them develops a liking for. When potential tantrums/fights come up, try to offer duplicates or alternatives, and if that doesn't work, keep the item-in-question and engage them in a fun group project. It's key to NOT punish your tot at this age for not sharing. Let him know your feelings but don't make a big deal out of it. They'll get there and may surprise you one day! Case in point: I've been feeling quite down and worn out as everyone was sick or away again, on top of our ongoing failure to conceive #2 despite trying everything we can think of. There's also been days when I've lost my temper and somehow, B knows the best way to diffuse it - by kissing, hugging me and saying "Mama, be happy... So happy" Toddlers may be the most self-centered beings at times, yet their empathy and ability to love others amazes me. They DO listen, share and care!

4) Love and forgive others just as God loves and has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32, 1 Colossians 13). Some of our favourite songs to reinforce:
- "Jesus Loves Me": Our first bible song together, B used to fall asleep to this
- "Whisper": A lovely song that teaches kids to say "I love you" to parents and to Jesus in a soft voice :) I couldn't find a video but the lyrics are included below

- "Deep and Wide": God's love is like the ocean, never-ending, always forgiving
- Barney's "I Love You" original and this adapted version: I forgive you, you forgive me. We forgive each other, can't you see? With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you join us, and forgive too?


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Releasing your child to (pre)school

B has been attending half day preschool at Odyssey for a week now. I drop him off by 845a and pick him up after lunch around 1245p, in time for his mid-day nap back home. He did us all proud, adapting better and faster than expected. There were less tears, increasing confidence and engagement in class, and even "thank yous" and "byes" to his teachers, friends and favourite things in school (i.e. gardens, school bus) by end of the week.

 

 In fact, he coped better than I did after 2+ years of being together (almost) 24/7. In their first week newsletter update, his teachers were clearly pleased with his progress - and probably relieved too!

Once we decided on "where", I spoke to a few friends, read Elizabeth Pantley's The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution and Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Parent to prepare for "how" and "what if". Here's stuff I didn't know or fully appreciate until B started:

1) Visit with your child as often as possible before class starts, taking photos to recall. I made memories by adding little pages for his journal which worked better than any "going to preschool" kid book because they were real, some with pictures of him in them! When day 1 came along, B was familiar with the names and images of his school, class and teachers. Ideally, we'd have loved to accompany him to playgroups at school or with his classmates beforehand, but we didn't have this option.

2) If possible, ask to be the only new child in the class, say for a 2 week period, and avoid starting after a long holiday as many "experienced" kids still get separation anxiety on the first day back. This ensures sufficient attention and no peer crying effect which stresses out everyone around. A fellow mom friend shared how 5 kids in her child's class (different school) cried for almost 3 hours until they vomited. Teachers were quite overwhelmed and parents clearly distressed!

3) Crying at drop off is normal. Crying at pick up is also normal. BUT it doesn't mean your child has been crying all day! The tears usually stop once teachers are given a chance to take over, distract and calm down your child. By mid-week, B cried for less than a minute at drop off and pick up and after that, he was all smiles, no tears. The key here is to TRUST, reflect a positive mood and (the toughest part) LEAVE. I hung B's water bottle around his neck which also ensured he was hydrated, and always had a towel ready, i.e. his comfort object since he was an infant. I had my doubts too at the beginning as I wandered around waiting for the call or tears which never came thankfully, all the while trying to spy in while not letting them see me. Eventually, I told myself to let go. Let others get to know and take care of him. Grant them your trust and allow them to keep earning yours and his. Also, enjoy the well-deserved morning off, mama!

4) It can feel like your child's regressing. B was koala bear clingy over the weekend (we started on a Thursday) and had disrupted naps because he'd catnap in the car on the way back and not nap enough once home, or would wake up crying for me and wouldn't go back to sleep without me holding him. Over the weekend, I reflected and determined to not be hasty - all of this eventually resolved or would resolve. And B would also continue to grow in character, knowledge and imagination. I just need to remember to project love for him, encourage interest in school and model respect for his teachers. Believe he will thrive!

5) Release your child into God's hands. To quote Omartian: "We can't be everywhere. We can't see everything. We can't know everything. But God can. Acknowledge our Father is in control of our children's lives and ours, and we will have greater peace." Amen!

Of course, I miss B everytime he's in school and am trying to maximise our remaining time together with bonding and NOT mere enrichment - begone you tiger mom urges! Meanwhile, I'm enjoying this extra time for devotionals, pilates, The Whiz Times, books, brekkie/brunch catch-ups until my schedule changes again :)

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Tidings of comfort and joy

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! This advent season, I wanted to impress on B the true meaning of Jesus' birth and how it is not just about gifting but also the act of giving, and God's ultimate gift of life. Although it was hard to break free from all the commercialism, we found a few simple ways to reflect this while still doing our fair share of Christmas mall hopping :)

We made an advent calendar from B's artwork with clear plastic pockets to mark the 24 days, which was December 1 to 24 this year. I liked how this simple template could be re-used many times for things like learning numbers, letters, words, days and months, etc. Each day, we prayed for specific family, friends, those in need, our country and world, ending with the fruits of the spirit -- which B coincidentally learned in Sunbeam (Sunday School) year. On Christmas morning, we visited a single mother of 5 kids as part of our church's community blessing project before joining our cell group for food and carols. I look forward to more fun, faith-based activities as he grows up. For 2014, we could try this weekly series based on proverbs, more on the fruits or even try working through this catechism as our church's awesome new Devotional Journal weekly family section doesn't quite work for young tots.

Of course, we also covered the usual Christmas craft and books. Between work, colds, family visits, playdates, parties and our year end holiday to Hong Kong, we couldn't complete a nativity project or join many church events. After reading some books and our toddler bible, B recalls the nativity story by acting out a pregnant mama (Mary), old hunched men with presents (three wise men) and a wailing baby (Jesus).... It's a start I guess ;)

As for craft, this time around I let him try cutting, gluing, threading (punched holes around the art), and letter tracing (glued glitter on words).  We started with a Christmas star for the tree, stockings and poinsettas. We used the remaining painted rolls to make a turkey for a friend's Thanksgiving dinner. 

Wreath with holly, berries and gingerbread men
(Grandma made those cute origami mini-Santa Clauses)

Sticking ornaments on a car track painted Christmas card for his cousin

Home-made watercoloured ornaments :)

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer 

 

B in a snow globe

Collage art of peace, love and joy - the last 3 days in our advent calendar

Turning 2 has been a tipping point with some of the worst and best developments to date. B started shrieking for attention, tipping over his bowl/plate/cup when almost done (sooo annoying!), had bouts of skipped naps, early waking and general crankiness throughout the day. On the plus side, his interest in print (numbers and letters) keeps growing. He correctly spells out most words in big letters, is getting better at small letters, loves counting as well as spotting numerals. To my delight, soon after his birthday, he finally started singing. In tune! All the time! What was previously a monotone rap transformed into spontaneous singing and dancing to favourite songs and those he hears often (i.e. Jingle Bells). I even caught him singing nursery songs that I used to hum to him as a baby. Quite amazing what our kids retain at this age!

This Thursday, B will start half-day nursery, with mommy joining for a few hours/days before transitioning to a complete drop-off. I got him a personalised preschooler book, and also printed out photos of his new school to add to our scrap book to get him familiar with the concept.  It's encouraging that the school also focuses on being global citizens, i.e. donating for charity and recycling for art.  Here's hoping B's new journey with Odyssey will be even more rewarding and fun than it's been with mommy and me so far.

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Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true

It's almost the end of September. While I look forward to celebrate with dear friends who will give birth over the next few months, I can't help thinking that baby #2's due date would have been around now.  What a frustrating, "deferred" year this has been!  I'd put off the job search when I initially found out I was pregnant at the turn of the year.  After the miscarriage, we postponed the start of B's preschool (i.e. nursery drop-off) and any serious job switch till next year, so that we could maximise our time with B as well as our efforts to conceive again, esp. given hubby's frequent business travel. Sadly, so far, no luck with #2 (or rather, #2b) and I worry that my career is stagnating the longer I stop working. It's days like these that I need to pause and reflect that God has given me such a blessed family, with rich life experiences, and all that we hope for will come to pass in His time, in His way.

All that I am, all that I have 
I lay them down before you, oh Lord 
All my regrets, all my acclaims 
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours 

Lord, I offer my life to you 
Everything I've been through 
Use it for your glory 
Lord I offer my days to you 
Lifting my praise to you 
As a pleasing sacrifice 
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen 
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true 
All of my heart, all of my praise 
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

What can we give 
That you have not given? 
And what do we have 
That is not already yours? 
All we possess 
Are these lives we're living 
That's what we give to you, Lord 

The elusive fourth

A week ago, my life turned upside down.  I thought I'd be ushering in the 2013 Year of the Snake with a happy "I'm pregnant!" announcement to family and friends, but ended up spending the first few days of Chinese New Year with intensifying cramps, spotting, clotting, bed rest and alas, a confirmed miscarriage. Our baby would have been 8 weeks now.  Physically, the pain and bleeding have passed but emotionally, it's been a rollercoaster ride to recovery.  It's hard to explain why such an early pregnancy loss can leave emotional scars.  Some days I do feel better but other days, it still hurts  - esp. when I meet others who "accidentally" conceived another baby when they didn't plan or necessarily want to.  That said, I'm thankful for the support of those who've gone through miscarriages/ still births and gone on to have healthy deliveries. I'll also revisit my obgyn this week to verify that a D&C procedure is not needed after this blighted ovum had passed (aka anembryonic pregnancy).  Last night at our rather bittersweet Valentines dinner, we reflected how this has made us appreciate B so much more and acknowledged the need for closure. We'll definitely try again when the time is right, approx. 3 months from now.  In a small way, there's some relief that I don't have to mind two kids under two... and there's less pressure for B to grow up into the big brother he will be one day.

I woke up in the wee hours this morning feeling a little down but was reminded of this song.  The joy of the Lord will be my strength!

I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure

And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes in the morning

Week 24: Back to basics

The angmohs really love their medication to stay healthy:

But when the going gets rough, the best medicine is still REST and ....

Week 23: Just to make it today

I woke up early one morning and rushed right into the day.
I had so much to accomplish, I didn't take time to pray.
Problems tumbled about me and heavier came each task.
Why doesn’t God help, I wondered? He said, “You didn’t ask.”
I wanted to see joy and gladness. But the day toiled grey and bleak.
Why doesn’t God help, I asked? He said, “But you didn’t seek.”
I wanted to come into God’s presence, I tried all my keys in the lock.
God gently and lovingly chided, “My child, you didn’t knock.”
I woke up early this morning, and paused before entering the day.
I had so much to accomplish, I had to take time to pray.