I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart

I'm trying to be more intentional about faith with B this year as he's developing his own childlike understanding from observing people and situations. At our nightly prayers before bed, he started making his own requests (e.g. "pray for dada working, tired," "Jesus loves ama and kong kong"). So I decided to reinforce the lessons around fruits of the spirit from Sunbeam, our church's kids programme, with simple activities and practical applications at home.

Here's what we learnt and applied:

1. Joyful parenting doesn't come naturally. It's not a product of the flesh but the spirit at work, bearing fruit in us. We need to cultivate thankfulness, remember that our child's identity is in Christ, and look ahead with hope and faith for the fruit God promises to bring through our efforts.
2. A joyful heart is about attitude, a contagious attitude from having a positive outlook in life. We talked about being joyful and strong even when we're afraid and upset. I encouraged him to use words, laugh or sing instead of crying and screaming... and it's been working! In fact, he's been a trooper during his separation at school and this recent bout of coughing; and he's also cheered my ailing mom who was hospitalised earlier this month with his singing, dancing and funny antics.
3. To be joyful is to be thankful. I'm glad that B's gotten into a habit of saying "thank you" or "谢谢" (if you're lucky). At one point, he'd even say "thank you" when giving you things ;) At nights, when we pray together, we also first thank God for each other and the day's events - no matter how challenging the day has been, e.g. we've been sick, tired, angry. I'm still working on teaching him to say family grace before meals to reinforce gratefulness and obedience to God, although this one's tougher as our family is of mixed beliefs and/or rarely eating together.

Since I'm on a quest to improve both our Chinese lately, I'll end with these Chinese characters: When you're happy (开心 kai xin), your heart is open but when you're sad (伤心 shang xin), your heart is wounded. I'm glad that our son is learning how to turn to God and rejoice in the midst of his terrible two years; and that he is also opening the hearts of those around him.

Nehemiah 8:10 “The joy of the Lord makes me strong!”

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How deep and how wide is your love?

Besides his own name, another word B likes to spontaneously spell is "L-O-V-E ... Love!" So I figured Valentines Day was a good reason to look at LOVE as we apply fruits of the spirit at home. Here's B's "Thumbody loves you" V-day craft to kick off the theme :)

1) Say and show it often. We always wish each other "晚安,我爱你,明天见" ("Good night, I love you, see you tomorrow") every night. When dad is away for long, we record him a video that usually ends with a flying kiss! Although I wasn't raised like this with my typical Asian parents, I don't hesitate kissing, hugging and praising B and find that he soaks it up like a sponge. Rather than being spoiled (as some of the older generation may caution), I find that he becomes more assured and affectionate in return, which has helped during his frequent separation anxiety phases. In the book "The Five Love Languages of Children" the authors encourage parents to keep your child's emotional tank full, use all five languages (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service), and pay attention to their behaviour as it often tells you which one speaks the loudest to them. Usually these preferences emerge around 3-4 years on.

2) Love obeys and forgives. We shouldn't continue doing wrong things and we shouldn't stay angry with others. Whenever B acts up, I make it a point to look him in the eye and state "Stop. That hurt mama/your friend, made us feel angry/sad". I'll then ask him "Was that wrong or right?" When he sees that this is serious and acknowledges "B is wrong. I am sorry," I'll say "It's OK. But don't do it again!" Of course, sometimes he gets rather cheeky and says "B is wrong, right?" What you say or do must match what's in your heart. The Chinese character for forgiveness - 恕 (shu) incorporates a heart below a woman and a mouth. When we forgive others with words from our heart, we learn to put others before ourselves, practicing love and "human-heartedness."

3) Love is selfless. Kids learn by imitation so take every opportunity to demonstrate selflessness. Evidently, tots do a lot of proto-sharing - i.e. they may be willing to show what they hold to others but won't quite let go (sound familiar?). It's a big step, so reinforce and reward the act. When B's friends come by, it's also quite common to see ALL the boys want the exact same double decker bus (or train) that one of them develops a liking for. When potential tantrums/fights come up, try to offer duplicates or alternatives, and if that doesn't work, keep the item-in-question and engage them in a fun group project. It's key to NOT punish your tot at this age for not sharing. Let him know your feelings but don't make a big deal out of it. They'll get there and may surprise you one day! Case in point: I've been feeling quite down and worn out as everyone was sick or away again, on top of our ongoing failure to conceive #2 despite trying everything we can think of. There's also been days when I've lost my temper and somehow, B knows the best way to diffuse it - by kissing, hugging me and saying "Mama, be happy... So happy" Toddlers may be the most self-centered beings at times, yet their empathy and ability to love others amazes me. They DO listen, share and care!

4) Love and forgive others just as God loves and has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32, 1 Colossians 13). Some of our favourite songs to reinforce:
- "Jesus Loves Me": Our first bible song together, B used to fall asleep to this
- "Whisper": A lovely song that teaches kids to say "I love you" to parents and to Jesus in a soft voice :) I couldn't find a video but the lyrics are included below

- "Deep and Wide": God's love is like the ocean, never-ending, always forgiving
- Barney's "I Love You" original and this adapted version: I forgive you, you forgive me. We forgive each other, can't you see? With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you join us, and forgive too?


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Releasing your child to (pre)school

B has been attending half day preschool at Odyssey for a week now. I drop him off by 845a and pick him up after lunch around 1245p, in time for his mid-day nap back home. He did us all proud, adapting better and faster than expected. There were less tears, increasing confidence and engagement in class, and even "thank yous" and "byes" to his teachers, friends and favourite things in school (i.e. gardens, school bus) by end of the week.

 

 In fact, he coped better than I did after 2+ years of being together (almost) 24/7. In their first week newsletter update, his teachers were clearly pleased with his progress - and probably relieved too!

Once we decided on "where", I spoke to a few friends, read Elizabeth Pantley's The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution and Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Parent to prepare for "how" and "what if". Here's stuff I didn't know or fully appreciate until B started:

1) Visit with your child as often as possible before class starts, taking photos to recall. I made memories by adding little pages for his journal which worked better than any "going to preschool" kid book because they were real, some with pictures of him in them! When day 1 came along, B was familiar with the names and images of his school, class and teachers. Ideally, we'd have loved to accompany him to playgroups at school or with his classmates beforehand, but we didn't have this option.

2) If possible, ask to be the only new child in the class, say for a 2 week period, and avoid starting after a long holiday as many "experienced" kids still get separation anxiety on the first day back. This ensures sufficient attention and no peer crying effect which stresses out everyone around. A fellow mom friend shared how 5 kids in her child's class (different school) cried for almost 3 hours until they vomited. Teachers were quite overwhelmed and parents clearly distressed!

3) Crying at drop off is normal. Crying at pick up is also normal. BUT it doesn't mean your child has been crying all day! The tears usually stop once teachers are given a chance to take over, distract and calm down your child. By mid-week, B cried for less than a minute at drop off and pick up and after that, he was all smiles, no tears. The key here is to TRUST, reflect a positive mood and (the toughest part) LEAVE. I hung B's water bottle around his neck which also ensured he was hydrated, and always had a towel ready, i.e. his comfort object since he was an infant. I had my doubts too at the beginning as I wandered around waiting for the call or tears which never came thankfully, all the while trying to spy in while not letting them see me. Eventually, I told myself to let go. Let others get to know and take care of him. Grant them your trust and allow them to keep earning yours and his. Also, enjoy the well-deserved morning off, mama!

4) It can feel like your child's regressing. B was koala bear clingy over the weekend (we started on a Thursday) and had disrupted naps because he'd catnap in the car on the way back and not nap enough once home, or would wake up crying for me and wouldn't go back to sleep without me holding him. Over the weekend, I reflected and determined to not be hasty - all of this eventually resolved or would resolve. And B would also continue to grow in character, knowledge and imagination. I just need to remember to project love for him, encourage interest in school and model respect for his teachers. Believe he will thrive!

5) Release your child into God's hands. To quote Omartian: "We can't be everywhere. We can't see everything. We can't know everything. But God can. Acknowledge our Father is in control of our children's lives and ours, and we will have greater peace." Amen!

Of course, I miss B everytime he's in school and am trying to maximise our remaining time together with bonding and NOT mere enrichment - begone you tiger mom urges! Meanwhile, I'm enjoying this extra time for devotionals, pilates, The Whiz Times, books, brekkie/brunch catch-ups until my schedule changes again :)

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Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

This week, B turned 2 while mommy took a step closer to 40 ;)  We had a terrific two party at Happy Willow - which daddy flew back from overseas to attend before flying back out again to work!  As we opened up the birthday gifts from friends and family, I reflected on the precious two years B and I have had together.  Despite the ups-and-downs with tantrums, self-feeding, potty training, language and math, the best gift we shared was simply the ability and freedom to IMAGINE together.

To paraphrase Albert Einstein: "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited while imagination embraces the entire world."  So I controlled my tiger mom urges, withdrew him from early childcare, limited his exposure to commercial toys and enrichment programs (after a few eye-opening trials) - no matter how kid-friendly, educational and/or successful these claimed to be.  Instead, we focused on simple early years ABCs i.e. Art, Books, Craft with as much music, drama, library and outdoor time as possible. B learnt to observe and appreciate our environment - nature, everyday things at home and about, picking up a wider vocabulary and interests along the way, including an obsession with transportation, animals and space; and a love for music and rhythm - though he can't sing on pitch, he recites plenty of songs in a quirky monotone ;)  

Sure, all of this involved additional time and effort and we never did as much as I'd like, but it was worth it!  Moving forward, we intentionally chose a school that builds on this approach too when he starts N1 next year and plan to maximise the remaining time on learning through play.  Let's not "educate our kids out of their creative capacity" as was mentioned in this thought-provoking TED video on How Schools Kill Creativity:

On a lighter note, we recently dabbled in some eco-friendly cardboard craft. We added a ball ramp (works best with ping pong balls) behind the previous road ramp. 

And built a multi-purpose, open-ended play house which his friends helped to paint:

Warp speed ahead

My month long (un)common cold resulted in an excessive white blood count which was double the average and one day in A&E when all my joints were inflammed!  I finally caved in to see doc #1 who cleared B and I of bronchitis, but gave me antibiotics and allergy/congestion meds that I reacted badly to.... this led me to doc #2 who found some lung tissue scarring from my x-ray but nothing critical after various tests. He then prescribed painkillers, even more antibiotics and asked me to stop the previous meds. After 1 week of pill-popping and clinic hopping, I'm feeling closer to normal again.

Besides that, October turned out to be a full-on month of milestones and learning through play with B.  Even though I'm with him almost all the time, his growth spurts still amaze me, not just physically, but also how well he picks up vocabulary and grammar.  After accomplishing a task on his own (like his jigsaw puzzles), he claps and says "Yay! Good job, B!" or if he's cheeky, "pandai boy" \o/ At breakfast one day, he placed his toy kangaroo on the table and said "Kangaroo watch B and mama eat pancake" and "daddy go 运动, then work” when dad went for his morning gym workout.  While in the car, he describes what he sees on the road and at times, will launch into a narrative, mainly on vehicles (of course), e.g. "Fire engine park in fire station, make loud noise nee-nah-nee-nah, lights go blink blink, firemen put out fire, many smoke, hot!"

We covered Geography and Astronomy which mommy and B thoroughly enjoyed.  We looked at continents, oceans, water and land formations, and then, our solar system. (I know this may seem odd, but he started asking questions about rivers, stars and satellites ... so what to do?!)

Map of the world on a paper plate where rubber band = equator between the hemispheres;

some of the library books (this time, the selection was quite good!);

 

an ocean/rockpool diorama, using a re-cycled box;

 penguins and icebergs in Antartica; 

land and water formations (which double up as bases for modelling clay/water);

And last but not least, sand art and puzzles on space: the final frontier!  This was also a perfect opportunity to learn comparatives and superlatives, i.e. planet Earth is smaller than Saturn, Mercury is the smallest, Jupiter is the biggest!   Now he applies these words in all sorts of situations :)

This month was also about confidence building and independence.  He started to enjoy scooting on the YBike glider which we have on loan from a friend.  He's walking his brand-new Kazam balance bike, an early birthday gift from 爷爷.  He even climbed out of his toddler cot bed once, alarming everyone! B grew more cautious climbing since that incident while I placed his large foam playmat under the bed until we switch him to a kid bed (or just a mattress). And on a bittersweet note, B got off the waitlist for N1 next January - it's a half day, drop off for the year they turn 3. Lots of implications there, some of which I'm still processing internally.

Wheeee!  

Secrets of the toddler whisperer

Tracy Hogg's book was full of gentle yet sound parenting advice. I liked her approach, fun acronyms and practical examples on how to manage those tricky toddler years. She's not an advocate of spanking - I'm not sure where I stand on this yet as it's quite a change for those who were raised with Asian parents/homes.

Everyday H.E.L.P with tots:
Hold Back.  For the purposes of observation, which is not the same as being detached, rejecting or ignoring your toddler
Encourage to Explore.  Ensure there are many opportunities a day for exploration, including let him play quietly with another child, try to solve puzzles or stack blocks on his own.  Don't constantly direct, monitor and instruct.
Live with Limits. Too much of anything is usually not good. Don't give too many choices, allow too much stimulation or participation in non-age appropriate activities.  Don't wait too long before reining in tantrums, aggressiveness or other high emotions.  Curtail activities that aren't good in big doses e.g. sweets, TV.
Praise Appropriately. Praise to reinforce specific acts of cooperation, kindness or behaviour

Routines and Rituals (R&R) continue to be important, perhaps even more so at this age. It provides security, cuts down on struggles, helps tots deal with separation, supports all kinds of learning - physical, emotional control, social behaviour, avoids problems by helping parents set clear consistent boundaries, allows everyone to slow down and connect.  Tailor R&R to your family -- starting with waking, eating, bathing, exits and entrances, clean up, nap and bedtimes.  Everytime you repeat and reinforce an act, you are doing R&R -- for better or worse!

H.E.L.P also applies to potty training which should begin between 18 mos - 2 years.
Hold back until you see signs he's ready. E.g. Some stop dead in their tracks, stand still, focus and suddenly move on.
Encourage him to connect bodily function with words and actions. Narrate what's going on when you change the diaper, invest in a freestanding potty and his fave toy "go to the bathroom"
Limit his time on the potty. No more than 2-3 minutes
Praise widely when something is deposited!

4Ps aren't limited to Marketing either ;)  They're also critical to potty training success:
Potty - one that fits his size and pants/panties once they go on the potty at least 3x/ day
Patience - never rush the process or look disappointed when he doesn't pee or poop or causes an accident. All kids progress at their own speed
Practice - as much as he can
Presence - sit with him and cheer him own

The rate of language development is determined by exposure to language and interaction with talkers (constant conversation, eye contact), gender (girls tend to talk earlier), other developmental gains taking precedence (esp. walking, manual/social growth, etc.), birth order (younger tends to talk later) and genetic disposition. Also setbacks may occur if there's a sudden change in the home (new baby, mom goes back to work, relocation, etc.). A different sort of TLC also applies during these critical years: Talk, Listen, Clarify. Pay attention to non-verbal and verbal signals. Look him in the eye when you talk/listen. Talk in short, simple sentences. Ask simple, direct questions to allow him to express himself.  Play word games to foster interaction, practice and learning. Exercise restrain and patience.

Common speech milestones and red flags by age below.
8-12 mos: Can speak and associate mama and dada.  Respond to 1-step commands ("Please give the car to mama").  Watch if: child doesn't respond to her name, babble (long/short groups of sounds), doesn't look when people talk to her, doesn't point or makes sounds to get what he wants

12-18 mos: Says first words: simple nouns ("dog," "baby"), names of special people, action words/phrases ("up," "go"). May follow 1 or 2-step commands ("Go into your room and get the towel"). Watch if: child doesn't say a word or two, even unclearly

18-24 mos: Says up to 10 different words, understands 30 or more. Speaks lots of gibberish :) Watch if: Child can't say more than a few words clearly, follow simple requests ("come here") or respond to simple questions with a "yes" or "no"

2-3 years: Has a word for everything! Combines words into sentences to express thoughts and feelings. Extensive vocab even though grammar isn't perfect. Can converse with adult. Watch if: Child uses fewer than 50 words and has no word combinations. Can't understand opposities/different meanings ("up/down") or follow 2-step commands. Doesn't notice or overacts to environmental sounds, e.g. horn

Last but not least, it's important to teach your tot self control. I thought Hogg's approach here was a little wishful thinking so one possible application would be to first try Karp's prehistoric parenting where parents speak (not act) like the little Neanderthal to get their attention and show empathy, and THEN try Hogg's suggestion of conscious discipline and offering choices through statements and questions. Rather than resort to demands/threats which (admit it!) come immediately to our minds, do/say if he's:
- Overstimulated and/or running inappropriately/too much.  Stop/restrain him, pick him up and remove from the activity if needed. "I see.... Let's take a walk outside. You can't keep running here. We'll leave once you've put your socks/shoes on."
- Throwing a tantrum in public for something he wants but can't/shouldn't have. Ignore it. "Wow, that's impressive. But you still can't have it.  Do you want to come over here by yourself or shall I get you?"
If that doesn't work, remove him. "You can't behave like this here."
- Refuses to cooperate while dressing or diaper changing. Stop, wait a while/calm him down, try again. "When you're ready, we'll dress up. Shall we change your diaper now or after you finish this snack?"
- Shouts, lower your own voice. "Let's use our quiet voice"
- Whines, look him in the eye and imitate a best (non-whiny) noise. "I can't hear you unless you use your best voice"
- Kicks/hits when you pick him up, put him down immediately.  "Do not hit/kick. It hurts."
- Grabs another toy from a kid. Stand up, go near and encourage him to give it back. "If you can't let go of M's toy, I can help you... M was playing with that. You should give it back to him. Thank you -- what good cooperation. Now would you like to hold/play with this?"
- Throws food.  Take him down from the chair.  "We don't throw food at the table." If he doesn't want to finish/wants to go out.  "When you've finished eating, then we can go to the playground."
- Pulls another child's hair/hits another child. Put your hand on his hand, stroke gently. Restrain him or take him outside if agitated.  "Be gentle. No pulling, no hitting. That hurts!" Worse case: Go home.