Sunday, February 17, 2013

The elusive fourth

A week ago, my life turned upside down.  I thought I'd be ushering in the 2013 Year of the Snake with a happy "I'm pregnant!" announcement to family and friends, but ended up spending the first few days of Chinese New Year with intensifying cramps, spotting, clotting, bed rest and alas, a confirmed miscarriage. Our baby would have been 8 weeks now.  Physically, the pain and bleeding have passed but emotionally, it's been a rollercoaster ride to recovery.  It's hard to explain why such an early pregnancy loss can leave emotional scars.  Some days I do feel better but other days, it still hurts  - esp. when I meet others who "accidentally" conceived another baby when they didn't plan or necessarily want to.  That said, I'm thankful for the support of those who've gone through miscarriages/ still births and gone on to have healthy deliveries. I'll also revisit my obgyn this week to verify that a D&C procedure is not needed after this blighted ovum had passed (aka anembryonic pregnancy).  Last night at our rather bittersweet Valentines dinner, we reflected how this has made us appreciate B so much more and acknowledged the need for closure. We'll definitely try again when the time is right, approx. 3 months from now.  In a small way, there's some relief that I don't have to mind two kids under two... and there's less pressure for B to grow up into the big brother he will be one day.

I woke up in the wee hours this morning feeling a little down but was reminded of this song.  The joy of the Lord will be my strength!

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength
Though sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes in the morning


  1. Mei, I'm so sorry! I am glad you have support around you. *hugs* Let me know if you need ANYTHING!!! <3 Jas

    1. Thanks Jas.... In a strange way, writing this blog post helped me move on too. I'm so thrilled about your baby boy (finally!!!) -- look forward to see him virtually :)

  2. Li Mei... So sorry you had to go through this. I didn't know about it. Tough as it is, just keep trusting The Lord. I too had a miscarriage after my first kid, at 9 weeks. I was told a miscarriage is God sparing us from a greater pain later.

    1. Thanks! I'm so encouraged that you've gone on to have MANY healthy, happy babies after that :) Though every negative test or late period still stings, we are still hopeful. Hugs!