The elusive fourth

A week ago, my life turned upside down.  I thought I'd be ushering in the 2013 Year of the Snake with a happy "I'm pregnant!" announcement to family and friends, but ended up spending the first few days of Chinese New Year with intensifying cramps, spotting, clotting, bed rest and alas, a confirmed miscarriage. Our baby would have been 8 weeks now.  Physically, the pain and bleeding have passed but emotionally, it's been a rollercoaster ride to recovery.  It's hard to explain why such an early pregnancy loss can leave emotional scars.  Some days I do feel better but other days, it still hurts  - esp. when I meet others who "accidentally" conceived another baby when they didn't plan or necessarily want to.  That said, I'm thankful for the support of those who've gone through miscarriages/ still births and gone on to have healthy deliveries. I'll also revisit my obgyn this week to verify that a D&C procedure is not needed after this blighted ovum had passed (aka anembryonic pregnancy).  Last night at our rather bittersweet Valentines dinner, we reflected how this has made us appreciate B so much more and acknowledged the need for closure. We'll definitely try again when the time is right, approx. 3 months from now.  In a small way, there's some relief that I don't have to mind two kids under two... and there's less pressure for B to grow up into the big brother he will be one day.

I woke up in the wee hours this morning feeling a little down but was reminded of this song.  The joy of the Lord will be my strength!

I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure

And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes in the morning

To boldly go where I've not gone before

While 2012 brought along the most unexpected blessing (leaving my job to be a full time mom), 2013 is shaping up to be the year of big new enterprises.  The biggest is project #2.  We've been actively trying again since my periods returned to "normal" after I stopped breastfeeding, sometime around B's 11th month.  I'm glad I began this blog when I first discovered #1 because it's like I'm starting the process all over again. Hopefully I'll be better and wiser, despite feeling older and more tired ;(

Here's my early pregnancy checklist:

1. The egg is usually fertilised within 12 - 24 hours of ovulation.  Once you've conceived, the embryo produces hCG after implantation (not before)
2. Pregnancy symptoms may show around 7-10 days post ovulation. 
3. WAIT before testing. Given my notoriously inconsistent monthly cycles, waiting till the week after my period is due spares the disappointment and $$$ (good tests ain't cheap).  Rule of thumb: At least wait 2 weeks till after you've done the deed, assuming you timed it right!
4. Test with your first morning urine for a higher concentration of hCG. Don't drink beforehand
5. Nauseous?   Sense of smell is heightened, taste of blood in saliva
6. Peeing alot?  hCG signals the blood supply to increase in the pelvic area, irritating the bladder so you pee frequently, but in small amounts
7. Fatigue? Increased metabolism to support your developing baby compounding by the sedating effect of progesterone.  Don't fight it -- unless of course, you have an active, demanding toddler.  I'm looking at you B--
8. Cramping? As the foetus grows and pushes against the walls of your uterus
9. Spotting? 8-10 days after ovulation (just before you would normally get your period) you may notice light spotting, which is caused from the implantation of the embryo into your uterus lining. The spotting is usually pinkish in colour and not red like a normal period
10. Stuffy nose, colds and flu? Your immune system is suppressed and prevented from attacking and rejecting the foetus as if it were an foreign object by hormones and antibodies the foetus produces. The antibodies also take part in the growth and development of the placenta. As a result of these hormonal changes to your immune system, you are more susceptible  
11. Pimples!  You may get them in early pregnancy but will most likely settle down fairly quickly after your hormone levels stabilise
12. Breast changes?  Nipples may be tender, sensitive and deepen in colour, breast may be sore and / or lumpy, veins become more noticeable and enlarged, areolas may darken and the little bumps (Montgomery’s Tubercles) may increase and / or enlarge
13. Constipation?  Increased hormones make your intestines more relaxed  
14. Cravings?  It is believed from some evidence that the body is craving vitamins and minerals it is deficient in.   If you are not yet taking pregnancy multivitamins, it might be a good time to start. 
15. Changes in vagina?  Due to the increased level of blood in the pelvic region, you may find your vagina will appear more purplish than normal